Have you ever felt like your heart was tired? In a way that almost felt physically tired and not because of some ailment but for some unknown reason that is more emotional.
Well, I have.
For the past year or so, before COVID hit, I’ve been on this journey of growth. It was in no way intentional, it just kind of happened to me. It was most likely an act of God. It has been a beautiful journey so far, full of self-love, confidence, strength ……the usual things.
I want to say that I kind of anticipated all of this “good stuff” when I became conscious of the growth that was happening. What I did not anticipate and what I am still struggling with is how hard and exhausting it is. I might have been naïve to assume that it would be all sunshine and rainbows, that once I overcame an obstacle, that would be it (sayonara problem, see you never). What’s kinda funny is that I lived in this bubble for months. Months where I thought everything was going to be permanently okay, that I had reached the happy part of my story.
Until a few months back. Where my anxiety resurfaced. It came out of nowhere. I was with my mom ordering food at a counter and when I went to speak, nothing came out, no words, no sound. It felt like a transparent box had surrounded me. I just stood there for what felt like forever. I had to talk myself through speaking, like you do with a child, like my mind going (okay, say you want this, with that, no this. Oh, and do not forget to say thank you.) I had thought that my anxiety was linked to my other insecurities that I had delt with and that once they were gone (oh boy was I wrong) that it would be gone too.
I guess that is the exhausting part, having to go over a challenge multiple times, having to constantly question my self worth after determining it, having to constantly overcome my anxiety, having to go through episodes of loving my face, to others of not standing the sight of myself.
It reminds me of this time when I was in Primary school, and we went on a hiking trip to the Ngong Hills (they are this seven hills or ridges that are kind of a big deal in Kenya). We were divided into groups and each group had a guide so that we would not get lost. Our school bus dropped us at the base of the first hill and drove off to the last one, so that we would not have to walk back to it. I was excited at first, until the fatigue set in after like four hills. I remember my entire group just being over the whole experience, tired out of our minds and our guide telling us “Just 3 more hills” and we would be so relieved that we would continue hiking. Then we would go over about four hills and the guide would say “just 3 more”. And he would continue to do so for about an hour of seemingly never-ending hills. (Yes, I know I said, or they say they are seven hills, but they are not, either they lie about the number, or the school lied about taking us to Ngong hills)
Right now, I find myself asking when it will be over, when will I be fully free of all my ‘issues’, will I be free from all my insecurities? Is this how life is meant to be? And if not, is there something I’m not doing? Will, I ever truly and fully be able to accept that this is how life is? That that is why they say life’s a journey?
If I do find the answers, I will be sure to let you know.
Okay, so I found one answer. Growth is like walking up a downward moving escalator, it sometimes feels like you are going nowhere and sometimes like you’re going backwards. The trick is to keep walking, do not stop, don’t let the escalator take you down and eventually you’ll get up there. You’ll reach the top.
~Be sure to show kindness, you never know what a person is going through.