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blog post cover image time estimate eye icon6min

The Faults in How we Love

Over the past few months, I’ve found a lot of articles on relationships, love and dating. Most of them have a specific target audience, The Millennials. These are people born between the 1980’s and early 2000’s. There was one particular article I found memorable, though I can’t remember where from. I also found related videos on YouTube on the same issue. Current relationships face a lot of challenges and most of them do not survive. Here are some of the reasons I noticed why: We don’t even love ourselves first.

I’m not a fanatic of football, but I’ll try using that to illustrate my point here. I remember I once watched a match, I think it was the 2018 World Cup. There was an Egyptian player, Mohamed Salah. During the game, he got badly hurt but insisted on playing. Shortly afterwards he got hurt again and this time he had to leave. It was all so heartbreaking.

Same thing happens to us in relationships. For one reason or another, you and your ex-partner decide to call it quits. And before you take the time to heal from the heartbreak, you go into another relationship. But that ends badly too, and the whole process repeats itself. All this happens because we all seem to be in a rush to have someone when we’re not ready for it. We carry this illusion that we’ll be happier with someone, but we ourselves are not happy on our own. We need to understand that the best relationship we can ever have is a relationship with ourselves first. We oversee our own personal happiness.

We don’t have conversations of our pasts. This is more of an add-on to the last one. Some times we can go into relationships—relationships that we’re ready for—but we have scars from the last ones that never truly go away. But we don’t really talk about them with our partners because if you try, you give off the impression that you’re not over your ex.

I find this very problematic in a relationship, but I also see where your partner might be getting at. For that I’ll say this; I think it’s healthy talking about your previous relationships at least once, especially early in the relationship. From that discussion, you learn more about your partner: experiences, expectations, fears, hopes, and regrets. All of this is fundamental for a lasting relationship. It would only be a problem if your partner fixates on their exes so much that they don’t focus on what they have then.

We’re not dead but we act like it. The invention and renovation of the internet gave rise to the internet and online dating. I’m not saying it’s entirely bad. There are people out there who found the love of their lives over the phone. However, Millennials have a nasty habit of ghosting each other. I want to take you back a bit. It’s the 1950’s or something (I don’t know, I guessed a random time from way-back-when, just roll with it) and you’re in a rocky relationship with your partner. You come home one day and find a note or letter on the table. Simply put, they just dumped you via a note. It’s not exactly the best way to handle it, but it’s better than nothing. And a whole lot of “nothing” is what Millennials offer up. When we find someone, we can chat for hours on end. But as time goes by, the responses get shorter and shorter until suddenly you get nothing at all. Other times, the silence could be sudden. We as Millennials have a problem conveying our emotions and have cultivated a culture that: if I don’t like you, I can just go quiet and you’ll go away. The worst of it is that it can happen over trivial and minor issues that could be resolved in open dialogue. It’s a sad reality that we’re not very open with our feelings. We’re looking for frogs, not people. Disney had a lot of influence on us growing up. And I think it might have had too much. Every girl wants her knight in shining armor. Love is a magical thing, but it isn’t literally a magical thing. I think that all these movies planted something in us that didn’t grow very well. We see things in the moment and fail to see the bigger picture. So Aladdin and Jasmine ride off on the carpet, but their lives don’t end there. Of course, they had fights, both major and minor, which I’m sure they work it out. Happy endings only

happen at the very end of our lives, not the end of your first kiss. The problem is too many of us don’t want to put any effort in our relationships and just expect the perfect match to bump into us on a bus. I think we should take a leaf from Disney’s “The Princess and the Frog”. I think Tiana represents what an ideal partner would be. She utterly refused to believe anything would’ve been handed to her just because she wanted it. She knew she had to work for what she wanted, including for her love life. We need to stop expecting things to just be okay when we meet someone and be prepared to work things out. You won’t get a knight, or a prince, or a talking amphibian. You’ll get a person, work with that.

We’re here for a joyride.

To piggy-back on the whole fairy-tale love thing, I want to expound on this note. At the first sign of trouble, we tend to take off. Honestly, I have mixed feelings about this issue, but I’ll try and be as practical as possible. So in every potential partner, you get to notice some things we term as “red flags”. These are particular behaviors and mannerisms we may not like and avoid the person at all costs. Some flags really are red— like say manipulations—and then we have flags that are more rosy-pink than red—like having a short temper. Now that we’ve established life I not a Disney movie and we won’t spontaneously sing, your partner is now more human. Meaning there will be some things you won’t like. Maybe they chew loudly, that doesn’t mean you run. Pet peeves should not determine how far you go in a relationship, especially if they’re things that you can either overlook or you overcome together.

We build each other from total scratch. I know you’ve seen that title and asked yourself “How is that bad?!” I’ll go full circle, back to personal happiness. It’s true that the best relationships are usually ones where we build each other up and grow together. But that doesn’t mean you literally start from getting timbre and cement to make a foundation for your partner. Now this may be a very difficult pill to swallow, but repeat after me...” I am NOT personally responsible for my partner’s happiness.” One of the reasons relationships fail is because we expect our partners to take up all burdens for us. This eventually destroys the relationship. We fail to understand that everyone has their own messes to deal with without adding onto it. If we’re having a problem, you’re partner can try and help you out, but don’t expect them to literally take it from you. Could there be more things we’re doing wrong?

Well, I’m getting into my 4th page with just pure writings and I feel like there’s a lot I haven’t mentioned here which I’ll come back on in a later date. All images we’re lifted off the internet and none of which I personally own. Also, bear in mind what I’ve written here are my own opinions on this matter. Nothing here is law or cast in stone. I’d love to

hear some of your own thoughts on dating life for Millennials. It could be something I may not have mentioned here, or something I did mention that might hold some controversy.

Thanks for your time!

Mbugua Kibe,
April 21, 2021

Leave a comment

Kekdnf: 5 months ago

We cannot love ourselves if we don’t love others