My body rested on the cold hard floor of the bathroom. Nothing stopped to revive me. Not the tap that continued to gush streams of water into the sink bowl. Nor the warm white light that glimmered in the room. Neither did the wind stop to check if I was alright. Silence painted the walls and trapped nature from coming to my rescue. How rude. Man is considered the most superior creature in the universe, yet not the trees, the rain, the stars in the sky, nor the cement in the building could save me. I had to save myself. I guess you could still consider that superior, but I couldn't help but feel undignified to nature.
As I gained consciousness, the water running out of the tap screamed at me at the top of its voice. The warm light turned evil and blinded me. The wind pierced my skin with anger and might. Oh how nature turned against me in that moment. My head used all its power to try and escape from my body in pain and fear, like a prisoner breaking out of jail. Not a single thought ran in my mind. I gradually began to sit up, absorbing my surroundings, unable to recognise who I was, where I was and what had happened. I inhaled a good chunk of oxygen with the hope that nature would finally come to my aid. As I sat there with my hand still over my head, acting as the guard stopping my brain from escaping. A sea of emotions choked me and drowned me, leaving no trace of its presence. Then I realized. I had just fainted.
I began to ask the big question that you are probably pondering on. Why? I could give you the short answer which was that I had not slept in the past 6 days after having to sit in a room with the corpse of my own brother. But it was more than that. It was more than the overbearing stress of not knowing what my next step in life was, as I was unsure of the university I was going to attend. It was more than the scars that refused to heal from a traumatic childhood living in a toxic and dysfunctional family. It was beyond my insecurities and flaws that I brainwashed myself into believing I had. It was because I was tired. I was tired of being tired to the point that my body could no longer stand on its own two feet, and like the falling of the Hindenburg, I crashed.
Tears drew lines running down my face for a good hour, it was gracious enough to use pencil so that I could rub the lines off after. But the rubber was not enough to erase the tears within. The tears in my heart overflowed to my other organs. Everything at this moment was wrong to the point that I had no recollection of how right looked or felt.
Grief can be like a stubborn relative who always overstays their welcome. Making no contribution to the provision of the home, but sits in your kitchen and eats your food, uses your electricity, and drinks your water for free. That is how grieving felt at that moment. It ate up all my energy. It used up all my hope and strength. It governed my thoughts and emotions like a dictator, eradicating any idea of justice or fairness. I became a slave to grief. This moment remains fresh in my memory as if it happened yesterday, yet in reality this was 3 years ago.
Much like the Derg who overthrew Haile Selassie, I overthrew the toxic ruler in my mind. I was at war with myself but managed to disabled all the enemies weapons.
Grief is personal and individualistic. No one's grieving process will be the same as yours or mine. Simply because of the situation, the type of relationship one had with the who or what they lost, the circumstances that transpired leading to their demise and so on. Yet again it could be a couple of weeks process for some, and others take it to their grave. How unfair. But one thing I am sure of is that through the right procedure and with a beautiful lady called patience, grief will join the distant stars. The light never turns evil and tries to blind you. The water in the tap sings melodies to help you sleep at night. The wind becomes your personal bodyguard, protecting you and serving you. Each day you wake up and each night you go to sleep, nature kisses you with love and warmth.
Grief is not an easy process, but it is a part of life, it is a part of being human. It has no map or law, but it is still not acephalous. Life has gifted us with enough to save us from falling and fainting. Therapy, counselling, prayer, exercising, meditating, journaling, exercising, mindful thinking, friends, family, inter alia… See there is a reason that man is considered the most superior being, because our minds are powerful enough to save themselves, and when it's not it will create ways and innovate things that will save it. Along with grief comes blessings that are able to save our souls. All those gifts saved my soul.