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blog post cover image time estimate eye icon3min

Bad Days

I had never experienced a gloomy day in my life and even though I knew I would one day, I thought it would be far off in the future... You know, where miscarriages, deaths, divorces and crime are a part of your life. I now believe the thought that life sometimes throws at you things you are ignorant about.

I say gloom because I wouldn't describe it as depression, it would have gotten there though had I not seen some streaks of light in a series of endless dark nights. Of course I have ever been sad, it is normal but  it had never been a part of my daily life. Let me tell you how it began...

I have managed a pretty strong belief in my faith- something I didn't know I would struggle with either. However, in August of 2020, as I was growing more interested in intellectual stuff, knowledge overthrew faith where it sat. It wasn't over mere questions. It was over things like, 'Why should humans live an exhausting life simply because they are committed to God and His ways?' That source of light went out and for the first time in my life, I just was. I was existing. No purpose, no commitment. It was horrible. What kept me sane is that I at least gave God credit for His existence. I had experienced Him, there was no way I'd deceive myself for the sake of ego to deny Him. Well, I was okay. Then in 2021, I was trying to rebuild my faith, now taking intellect as my friend. I was hit with another reality, I was adulting. I have no complex fears in life but I fear being a failure. I have said many times that I would rather kill myself than live a mediocre life, and I genuinely mean that. This year, I started wondering how I'd achieve all the dreams I'd dreamed since childhood. Haha.

Again, my world was shaken and my faith barely held me in place. I LOST IT. I was mad it seemed like there was no way. I looked around me, things I lacked, skills I was yet to learn and I knew one thing... I WAS DOOMED. So, doom overtook me and for a good two months, I not only just was, but also, hopeless and helpless. I am a pretty neat person but when I tell you the clutter inside me reflected in my external environment, better believe it. IT WAS BAD. I hated my bed but I stayed in it all day. My sketchpad, well, let's say it begged for a simple caress- on the cover. My brain begged for a break. My body, lol, I was tired. My soul was starving. My eyes had cried the most painful and bitter tears ever and they just wanted peace. My heart, it beat but never felt anything apart from the anxiety that came with fearing failure. The expression 'carrying the world on my shoulders' was nonsense because for me, I was being pressed on every side by angry, gloomy nimbus clouds which would rain. My world was dull, no music would have helped. I stopped writing to make matters worse, meaning the thoughts I hadn't freed kept forcing their way out an impermeable wall. Too many negatives here...

Looking back, I realize that even if I tried getting myself out of it, I wouldn't have recovered from this rut. I think we will all go through seasons where we are so stuck, in a slump, sad, depressed, anxious...you name it. Sometimes, we just have to sit through them because no amount of soothing melodies could arrest your roaming soul. A conversation won't do to restore some direction in your life. And if you are strong enough to sit through it, one day you will wake and feel, 'Maybe I can try my least to feel less terrible.'

IT IS OKAY.

HER,
June 26, 2021

Leave a comment

Hafsa: 3 months ago

So Beautiful! Thank you

Valarie: 3 months ago

This is beautiful..and raw i love it deeply.